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happiness

The Worry Syndrome

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“Whatever you fight, you strengthen and whatever you resist, persists.” -Eckhart Tolle

My mom gave me the “worry wart gene.” As wonderful as she was as a mother, she always seemed to worry about me, the family, the weather and much more. As I became a young adult, I didn’t understand her apprehension and frequently complained to her about it. With absolute assurance, she would pledge, “You will understand when you get older and become a mother.”

Mom was right! Now, I am older and a mother, and I find myself worrying about my family, health, finances, and whatever happens to be on my mind. Unfortunately, my worries seem to skulk into my mind in the absurd hour of 2:30 AM. (Experts say that the greatest frequency for nighttime worries is between 1:30 and 3:30 a.m. when things are frequently quieter with less distraction and more opportunity for worry.) I blame the intrusion on the uninvited “Worry Monster,” and I usually toss and turn as I struggle to fight him off.

Anxiety Coach, David Carbonell, Ph.D., says that, as adults, everyone worries and it’s part of the human condition. We tend to experience thoughts that are generally exaggerated and unrealistic about bad things that could happen. He says that worries are not thoughts that you deliberately seek out; in fact, you probably try not to have them! The thoughts arise spontaneously, often against your will, or when some chance event reminds you of unpleasant topics. When worried or anxious, your mind and body go into a state of ‘fight or flight’ as you focus on what could happen. It can affect your daily life and can interfere with your work, appetite, relationships, sleep and reduce your quality of life.

In an article on worry, mindfulness expert, Dr. Christopher Walsh, emphasizes how important it is to avoid fighting the feelings or thoughts. Instead, he says, label the worries just as they are – simply thoughts – a creation of your own fear. Try to bring your mind back to the present moment and don’t buy into the worry.

As I climb into bed each night, I now envision a “do not disturb” sign on my door for that dreaded nighttime Worry Monster. And when a worry appears on my mind anytime, I stop fighting it – and label it as a THOUGHT of my own creation.

Confidence Begins at an Early Age and The Sky is the Limit!

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Looking back at my childhood, I was blessed. Both my mother and father raised me to believe in myself at a very early age. When I had moments of doubts during the challenging teenage years, my parents were there to support me, but always insisted that I make my own decisions and take charge of solving whatever was the setback of the moment. As I got older, it was my dad who consistently reminded me that, when it came to my choice of livelihoods, “the sky is the limit!” He encouraged me to look for a career for which I had passion and alleged that I could do most anything.

It is thanks to Mom and Dad’s reassuring push, that I departed confidently, ready to face the world on my own, and I followed my dad’s advice with my choices. I had a belief in myself with a strong desire to find exciting work and had some amazing opportunities throughout my years! Although I didn’t always pick the job with the most money, I chose what I loved to do, finding that most of my jobs filled my purpose of helping others.

Now, that I’m in my Baby Boomer years, I have found my confidence being reassessed. At this stage of life, I have felt at an impasse. I have the knowledge, experience, and still have the energy and desire to serve a purpose of helping others and have wanted to start something new. Yet, I am pondering, “Am I too old for this?” “Can I do this?” “Will I be successful?”

Then, I read about Ginette Bedard, the 86-year-old NYC Marathon runner, and Robina Asti, the 99-year-old flight instructor and active pilot. Both of these women continued to do what they loved, and age was not a factor! Why can’t I continue to pursue my goal? Thanks to examples like Ginette and Robina, I am off and running once again, unafraid “to reach for the sky!”

So, yes, Dad, you were right, “the sky is the limit.” Or as Maura Beatty wisely advised, “What keeps you from believing that the universe is yours? Reach out, embrace it. The sky is the limit! So, get your bag, get your stuff, and head for the stars…I’ll meet you out there!”

Healthy Pessimism

Pessimism vs. Optimism – Looking at the Whole Picture

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by Margo Ewing Woodacre, MSW

The word, pessimism, was always a bad word to me. It was something that I did not want to be associated with. I was raised by parents who had positive attitudes and taught both my brother and me to find the good things, no matter how difficult life might be. When I would be experiencing a big disappointment or hurt, my mother would remind me, Honey, tomorrow, the sun will come out and things will look brighter! And, a good part of the time, she was right. But as I got older, this philosophy became more perplexing for me.

After graduation, my first job was in New York City in the media field. I found myself working with big-city, aggressive contemporaries who seemed to always look at the glass as half-empty. This was uncomfortable for me. Despite their views, I kept my optimistic outlook and sunny disposition, even when it hurt. To them, I was considered a small-town, naïve enigma.

Later, in my 30’s, I ran for political office and had to develop a much tougher skin to survive. Negative vibes were impossible to avoid as a candidate and an elected official, but no matter what threatened me, I still tried to keep an optimistic view, and was recognized with the “Stop and Smell the Roses,” tongue-in-cheek honor upon my retirement.

Let’s face it, for most of my life, I have been called a “Pollyanna,” due to my defiance of negativity. I don’t apologize for that, as it has carried me through some of my best moments and successes. However, when things did not go as well, it was uncomfortable and hurt deeply and I questioned why life took such a turn. It was puzzling for me to understand why looking through the optimistic lens of life did not always turn out as expected or make me feel happy. Why?

In creating my Beyond the Now program, it was my research, along with an article, When Hope Meets Reality, written by Gary Burnison, CEO of Korn Ferry, that I had an Aha! moment.

According to Burnison, it is best to have a balanced view of both optimism and pessimism – which he calls, Healthy Pessimism. With a totally optimistic view, too much of a good thing can be too much—even when it’s hope. Pessimism forces us to see reality, which actually may allow us to reframe the picture, to then instill hope that we will make tomorrow better than today. When critical things happen, seeing the reality (pessimism) keeps us grounded, while the hope (optimism) keeps us inspired.

In my case, I may have been aware of the whole picture, but I refused to see anything but the good interpretation (the optimistic view). I needed to take a more realistic look at the big picture with both lenses. I now realize that by filtering out the negativity (the pessimism), I was not eliminating it, but actually stuffing it. This is what caused my discord.

I am thankful that Mom and Dad taught me to see the glass half-filled vs. half-empty, but I am glad to now see the whole glass! Having this healthier balance is important for living and dealing with life, especially in the world we live in. In challenging times ahead, I still may lean toward the more optimistic view, but Healthy Pessimism is what I will strive for!